I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
