I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
