Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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