listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
please come you make the beer taste better
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
