I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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