I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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