So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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