So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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