Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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