I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
