Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
