I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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