Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
