Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
