You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
