he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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