No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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