Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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