I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
