check it out our google latitudes are spooning
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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