i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
