so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
