I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
