My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
