dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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