Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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