Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
