so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
