also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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