could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
