i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
