Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
