hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
