I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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