I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
