just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
