Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
