OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
