Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize