so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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