come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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