I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i permit you to call me
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
