I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
