I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
