I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Randomize
