I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize