I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
