i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
