I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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