Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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