meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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