does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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