I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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