I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize