my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
